God looks at me critically as if to examine if indeed my brain is functioning. He is omniscient; He should be able to tell without giving me that accusing stare. As it is always done up here, anyone who blows out his or her candle must have a one-on-one session with God to defend the purpose of self murder. So I stood before Him, defiant, with my grimaced face looking like a bad carving. The trial commenced.
"You took your life, young man. Is that correct?"
"Very correct Sir."
"And you left a suicide note that reads ,'I can't take it anymore'. Is that also correct?"
"Yes please."
God pauses for a while; perhaps shaking His head in His head.
"What can't you take anymore?"
....I tell my story...
You meet a nice girl... You vibe... You propose... She accepts... You're happy... The assurance of love and companionship is indeed gratifying... Then, some clubbing swaggalicious boy (with some overly fancy username on social media) tells your new found love, you ain't good for her... He takes her out a couple of times... Manages to get a kiss... Then your bae gets distant... You call, no answer... You text, it ticks two blues, your reply never comes... You're confused.. the battle is the Lord's, you tell yourself... You decide to give time... You pray, fast, sow seed, speak tongues, command things in the spiritual realm to work in your favour in this relationship...Still, no change... You give more time... Meanwhile, you call 0247680***... Yaana answers. You tell him that your girlfriend hates you... He suggests you take her out. You don't have money. Yaana says he'll send some 200ghc to your mobile money... You thank him profusely... Then you call Bull Dog to ask for his car... You don't have license but you know some corners in the neighborhood where you'll perfectly dodge police checks and all... Bull Dog agrees...
In the afternoon, you call bae, NO ANSWER... You call thirty minutes later... NO ANSWER!! SHE'S ONLINE... YOU CALL, NO ANSWER... NO REPLY... In the evening, you're there, thinking of what to eat, a text comes. It reads; "you're a good guy. You're a gem. One in a million. You're every girl's dream guy... (plenty unnecessary accolades)... But I don't think this relationship would work... It's not about you... It's about me... I'm sorry" ....
"Is that all?" God asks.
I continue.
Because of my recent emotional disappointments, I've decided to become a bad boy... Good guys dey chop kanzo too much.... Next, I'll add some Dhope Nhiggur stuff to my username.. You now see the reason why Efo Komla changed his username? (God nods meditatively) Also, I'll get a black marker and draw a lion or tiger on my chest... I'll get the original tattoos later (that sh** is expensive)...
"You're on a Holy Ground, no swear words!"
I apologize and continue...
I'll empty my account of 50$, get some 'scratched jeans' trousers, you know.... And I'll take a picture with some boss chick whose legs look like a pair of inside calipers...
"So you committed suicide because you were dumped and your resolutions didn't materialize?"
I say nothing.
"You're in Takoradi, is that correct?"
I nod.
"Takoradi parents are bae... You go and look for their daughters...They'll go ahead and call the girl for you without asking you plenty questions... If you're lucky, they'll even dash you a ball of fante kenkey. Relationships these days are not as solid as back then.. Not too long ago, if you want to meet your girlfriend, you'll go to her neighborhood, find her kid brother playing football on the street, send him to go and call his sister for you.. he messes it up and appears with his angry barechested father instead, who'll soon dash in for his AK47 when he's sure of your mission....But now, all you need to do is to be on your well-laid bed, turn on your data, send a whatsapp message, and within a few minutes, your sweetheart is in your loving arms like a grand teddy bear. Better still, why didn't you just change the girl?"
"God, I had resolved to do that. As a matter of fact, I was done with her... I made up my mind never to call or text her again... but as soon as she gives me 0.2 seconds of her attention, I start planning our wedding all over again."
"You could've asked a friend to link you to a new girl."
"God, lemme tell you my story. One day, I was bored as hell. I call the only proper Takoradi guy I know so we go for a walk. The girls, far or near, won't even pick my calls so I'm not bothered to extend the invite to any of them. Then Emma (my friend) suggests to bring a girl along. I agree. I may utilize some feminine presence; who knows, if I'm lucky, I can get a hug. So the girl comes along; fine girl, nice shape, nice smile, nice things.......Sadly, the two of them ended up holding hands, getting affectionate, talking and laughing, and me, well, I was walking behind them, pensively and feeling lonely as ever."
"So loneliness caused you to commit suicide. I would've approved of your act if it was because the economy of Ghana was too harsh. Or perhaps, if someone had told you you had 'gbee naabu'."
"God, okay okay. It isn't about the girl. It's about my February NSS allawa. It hasn't been paid, and I want to be a martyr for all NSS people."
"I knew it wasn't about the girl. I knew it had to do with your allawa. The hope is that, the new government would implement the Ghc 559 scheme. So, go back, be patient with your girl, and with your government. Case dismissed."
I woke up, realizing that I had tied my leg instead of my neck. When I tied my neck, I nearly died!
