Dear
Akpene,
Before
I use the usual format of 'I am very happy to write you this letter', let me
quickly apologize for the name I chose to give you. Well, it wouldn't make
sense to readers but to you, to be born in this era and be tagged with such an indigenous
Ewe name which would be competing with names like Serene, North West, Oneisha,
June-March, Blue Ivy, May Flower, Miss Anthrope and the likes, I think you
deserve every bit of my apology. But you should be thankful (as your name
implies) that I didn't drink any of those things some parents drunk and then
decided to name their kids, Jesus is Lord, Power In the Blood, Agbodzalu,
Ekomba, Agbedefu, and co. I still remember the shocking look I gave your grandfather
when he suggested a middle name for me.
"Henceforth,
add Aglobi when writing your name," he had said.
"So
my name would be Tony Aglobi Afuti?" I asked, with shocked face, hoping
his response would be negative.
"Yes," he affirmed.
After
a short while of discontenting silence which he noticed, he added;
"Or
you don't like the name?"
His
question was more surprising than the name. Your grandfather used to be type
who didn't take suggestions. Anytime he asked for suggestions, it wouldn't be
considered anyways so we just allowed him to decide for us. Mostly, his
decisions were best for us and saved us the headache of indecision. Look at the
middle name he suggested;
"How
about Eyram, or Seyram?"
"I
prefer Eyram," I quickly chipped in before he changed the idea of allowing
me influence the middle name he was going to give me. And that was how I
escaped having a thunderous Ewe name. Even with that, if I was to get a dollar
for the number of times people had spelt my surname wrong, I would be a millionaire.
As
you haven't been born yet, I'm just writing this letter to gist you on a few
occurrences to expect when you come. I would start with the usual issues. Oh
yes! Dumsor hasn't stopped. It hasn't ohh! On the day you come out of your mother's
womb and you see midwives holding torchlights and phones, it isn't a photo-shoot
okay. That's how things are done out here. Yes, I remember telling you about
Yvonne Nelson's #DumsorMustStop campaign. Hmmm. The campaign didn't change
anything ohh. It only infuriated the Ga gods to murder one hundred and
fifty-eight (158) innocent people (excluding Justin Beiber- oh how?). Where
were the Ga gods when the kwashey boy took my laptop, money and phone? Where
were the Ga gods when people where dumping things in the gutters? Where are the
Ga gods when elected representatives turn parliamentary sessions to nap
sessions? Where were the Ga gods when some people are looting (and others are rooting)?
Where were the Ga gods when I got laid-off at work? Where were the Ga gods when
that pot-bellied married man convinced (without words) one of your prospective
mothers away from my grab? Where were the Ga gods when another of your
prospective mothers told me I was like a brother to her? Honestly Akpene, I
know I am a brother to only one girl, and that's your Aunty. I've never asked
her out on a date before. What then is the correlation between being like a brother
and let's go out on a date? You see some of the things that gets me annoyed.
Well,
if that is how the beautiful girls in modern times do it, then I guess I wont
have a problem with you replicating it on the male population that would
constantly be on your neck to take you out. It would only mean I'm going to
have more sons than I can imagine.
In
other news, a twenty two year old girl (a student of Kwame Nkrumah's dearest
Institution) won the primaries and is likely to go to parliament next year. She
is parliament-bound. Even if it is Barack Obama who contests against her, she
would still win the elections. There's absolutely no chance of a non-NPP candidate
winning in her constituency. And yes! She's twenty-two. That's a great
achievement for all young people. At twenty-two, I won several trophies with
Real Madrid on FIFA. You see, at least I achieved something; unlike some people
who are twenty-two and are just sitting there 'procrasturbating'.
WAEC
cancelled BECE results because they leaked. You see, the education system too
has its issues. Exams has been leaking (e no be today). There is no credibility
anywhere. And who should be blamed? You would come out to meet an environment
where exams (and Mondays) is everybody's nightmare. Why won't we want to cheat?
WAEC should cancel it and even cancel Fathers' day and Mothers' day!
Akpene,
Fathers' day came oh! And it didn't come alone. It came with more controversies
than Wanlov Kubolor has caused in his entire life. They say (some) fathers are
irresponsible and stuff. I wouldn't want to delve into that now. Just like I keep
encouraging myself that someday, my chest and arms and shoulders would be like Terry
Crews', I would admonish you to stay calm, and do enough training for the race
you would be racing against a million other Akpenes.
Till
then, bye for now.
-Your father,
Tony Afuti Eyram.
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